"Good evening, gentlemen! Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of suppressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It’s not tearing your throats out that doesn’t come easily to me. Please don’t make it any harder."
"I’m a vampire officially pretending not to be one, right? I’m the last person who’ll say anyone has to play the hand they were dealt.">